I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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