I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
