Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
