For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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