She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
