No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
