went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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