is your mom at the bar?
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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