you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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