Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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