holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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