so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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