i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
