someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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