I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
