I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
