oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
