just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Don't make out with my wife yet
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
