I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
