i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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