she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
