Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
