the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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