I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
