Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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