So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
