He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
