I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
porn star boner night. come get it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
