How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
