Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
