yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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