It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
