Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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