my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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