I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
