$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
