i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
