I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
