he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
