going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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