Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize