I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
