DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
