Taylor Swift is so right about you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
