those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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