i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize