I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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