My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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