i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
