He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize