On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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