if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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