im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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