so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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