there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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