i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
