they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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