I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
