He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
