Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
