god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
