I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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