Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
