im six kinds of drunk right now
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
