mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Acid is not a monday night drug
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
