You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
