omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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