Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
