I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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