Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
