Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
